By Carol Luebering

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." The words that open Leo Tolstoi’s Anna Karenina are doubly true of grieving families. Although you share a common loss, each of you experiences it differently, for each one has a unique relationship with the person who has died. And a storm of strong feelings constantly rages around all of you.

You clung together at the funeral, but now you may be drifting apart. You may feel abandoned, unsupported in your grief. You might find yourself nursing resentment, perhaps even lashing out at the people closest to you. Will you ever recover the closeness you once had?

Working your way through

A family can indeed move from grief to healing, but not without some effort. Let the steps outlined in this CareNote help you draw closer together at this time of loss.

Understand the deep connections. Caught up in your own grief, it may be difficult for you to see the impact this loss has had on your family as a whole. Try this: Imagine the bonds between a newlywed couple as a pair of ropes tied between their wrists- one representing his feelings for her; the other, her feelings for him. The arrival of their first baby adds not one but two pairs of ropes, for the relationship between each parent and the child is different from the other’s. A second child is attached in the same way, not only to each parent, but also to the sibling.

The larger the family group, the more complex the network of ropes. To get the picture clearly, draw a diagram of your family: a circle for each member and a pair of lines connecting each one to all the others. Include closely involved grandparents, aunts and uncles, other relatives.

It’s easy to see how a tug on any one rope- a quarrel between the couple, say- is felt throughout the group. The death of one severs a lot of connections, leaving everyone off balance. (In your diagram, erase the lines between the person who has died and all the other family members.) And one person’s anger, another’s depression, a third’s regrets still pull against the rest.

Notice, too, the shift in roles. Families divide chores according to each individual’s talents and interest. Someone new has to master the kitchen, the garden, or the maintenance of house and car when the person who reigned in that domain dies. Families divide less tangible chores, too. If a parent who was the binding force that brought the family together on significant occasions has died, you probably won’t have family gatherings without a conscious and concerted effort.

The same holds true for replacing the family-communications manager, the good listener, the clown whose wit always eased tensions. And someone (or several someone's) is going to have to learn those roles. No one is going to fall into them naturally.

Adjust your expectations. You are not all going to feel the same way at the same time. And you’re not going to express your feelings in the same way. Mood swings and personality variations have always made family life a challenge. Grief brings it’s own mix of emotions that individuals deal with in their own ways. One may take on a round of furious activity while another can barely manage to get out of bed; tears may flow constantly or not at all. Whatever the visible signs, know that each member of your family is grieving, and that each one’s pain runs as deep as yours.

But each one’s pain is different. Losing a spouse is not the same as losing a parent or a sibling. Even if the kinship was the same, the ended relationship was unique because it involved two unique individuals. Although everyone is grieving for the same person, each one is mourning a separate loss. (Remember all those pairs of ropes.)

Don’t expect others to be perfectly sensitive to your moods, for they are caught up in their own. Try instead to be sensitive to what is going on inside the others’ hearts- even though it’s difficult when your own feelings are so overwhelming.

Hone your communications skills. Some folks find it difficult to express their feelings, either because they’re leery of being misunderstood or seeming "unmanly," or because they’re too young to have the needed vocabulary. Invite dialogue by describing your own feelings- not the great sorrow you always carry with you, but the particulars that keep catching you up: "I really missed Dad this morning when…" Your lead may draw out their reactions to the loss.

Active listening is another way to help emotions find words. Active listening means hearing the emotions behind the words and checking the accuracy of your perceptions with feedback. ("What I hear you saying is… Is that right?")

Or try offering words. Pay tribute to the relationship someone else mourns by recalling a particular aspect of it- a shared interest, a nickname lovingly conferred, a tradition the two established between themselves- and suggesting that those elements must be sorely missed.

Above all, accept whatever feelings your loved ones express as valid. Some feelings that may not seem "nice" or appropriate- anger or guilt, for example-are common in grief. Observing that someone "shouldn’t feel that way" gives little comfort, and only short-circuits communication.

Find ways to pray together. "The family that prays together stays together," according to an adage that, like most sayings, holds a hefty grain of truth. But family prayer is a skill acquired by long practice, one that requires a careful balancing of different levels of maturity in faith. That balance has also shifted; death has a nasty habit of throwing religious certainties into question. Some people plunge deeper into religious practices for consolation; others find their prayer blocked by resentment that God did not intervene or by doubts of God’s very existence. Explore each other’s concepts of God: friend and comforter or bully, close and loving or distant and silent. Talking about God is a search for meaning- one form of prayer.

Recall together what elements in the funeral service comforted you: a Scripture reading, a thought from the homily, a song. Offer thanks for these gifts and others: that he didn’t suffer, that she had time to carry out her heart’s wishes, for the support of friends. Allow family members to express anger at God in their prayer, if that’s what they’re feeling. God doesn’t demand politeness of us, but he does delight in honesty.

Pray for the dead, if that’s part of your religious tradition. Pray with the dead, who stands bedside you before God. Remember in your prayers the concerns that were close to his or her heart- especially your loved one’s care for you. And pray to the dead. Love’s conversation doesn’t, in faith, stop at the grave. Ask and offer forgiveness for any flaws in your relationship. Speak of your loneliness, your fears, and your memories. Count the signs of your loved one’s continuing presence in who you are.

Celebrate creatively. Rethink your holiday customs. The festivities will be shadowed by your loss no matter what you do. How close to your family traditions do you wish to stay? Keep the elements that seem indispensable, but consider some alternatives as well. Go out for Thanksgiving dinner; open presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning, or vice versa.

Create celebrations that allow people to grieve openly. Throw a family pity party where all are allowed to feel sorry for themselves out loud. Then brainstorm ways you can support one another. And exchange a lot of hugs.

Plan family memorial pilgrimages to places that are important in your family history. Revisit the places that hold happy memories. Take an outing to a favorite museum or a ride past a childhood home. Spend an afternoon in the garden your loved one once tended. Share your happy memories of things that happened in those places, and hold tight to them. In time, they will eclipse today’s sad thoughts.

Each of you still holds something of the person you have lost. Each family member’s memory preserves a different facet of your loved one. As you learn to reach out to each other in your grief, you will draw closer together. For the bonds that were just pencil lines between circles in your family diagram are bonds of a force stronger than death, a sharing in the very essence of God: everlasting love.